ADHD Brains and Boundaries
If I’m being honest, enforcing boundaries as a parent with ADHD, especially with ADHD kids, has been one of the hardest things I’ve faced. The arguments, the yelling, the endless “But whyyyyyy?” – it’s a lot. Over the years, I’ve made plenty of mistakes and learned a ton (sometimes the hard way). So, here’s a bit of my story and what’s worked for me.
Understanding Boundaries
I’ve always found boundaries tricky. Maybe it’s my ADHD, or maybe it’s just parenting in general. When my kids were younger, I thought boundaries were all about teaching them what they could and couldn’t do. Spoiler alert: that didn’t work. What I’ve learned is that boundaries are less about rules and more about figuring out what works for everyone in the house – me, my kids, and the whole chaotic crew.
And let’s be real: if a boundary doesn’t make sense for your brain or your kid’s brain, it’s not going to stick. Same goes if nobody buys into it. That’s a recipe for constant battles, and who has the energy for that?
The Importance of Safe Spaces
Look, we’ve all messed up. Especially with ADHD brains. We’ve said the wrong thing, done the wrong thing, or just plain lost it. That’s why it’s so important to have a safe space to recover and reset. Think of it like a big fence that keeps the wild stuff out and gives you space to lick your wounds and figure things out. That’s what boundaries are for me – and hopefully for my kids too.
Now, let’s talk about how to actually make this work in real life.
Practical Tips for Setting Boundaries
1. Communication is Hard (But Necessary)
When everyone’s losing their cool, boundaries don’t stand a chance. My oldest used to follow me around the house until I gave in, and my youngest has been known to break things in frustration. So, we had to work on communicating before things hit meltdown mode. Here’s what helped:
Hand Signals: We came up with a few signals for when things were getting too heated. My favorite? The “T” sign (like a timeout). It’s simple, easy to remember, and lets everyone know it’s time to take a break. We decided ahead of time where we’d go to cool off and how we’d come back to the conversation.
Mood Emojis: Instead of constant “Mum, Mum, Mum!” interruptions, we started using emojis to share how we were feeling. A poop emoji meant, “I’ve had a rough day” 💩, and a hug emoji was a way to ask for some love without saying a word 🤗. It’s silly, but it works.
Sharing Struggles: This one took me a while to figure out, but being honest with my teens about my own challenges has made a huge difference. I’ve told them how overwhelming life can feel sometimes (without blaming them, of course), and it’s helped them see that they’re not alone in feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or impulsive. Plus, it’s made setting boundaries feel more like teamwork.
2. Visual Cues Save the Day
As much as I’d love for my kids to remember every heartfelt conversation we’ve had about boundaries, the reality is they don’t. When they’re hungry, angry, or just plain over it, all they hear is “blah blah blah.” That’s where visual cues come in handy:
Signs: We’ve got a locked food box with a big red STOP sign on it. It’s a clear reminder not to sneak snacks, and it’s way more effective than me repeating myself.
Headphones Rule: When I’m wearing headphones, it means I’m busy. I’ve asked them to do the same when they need space, and it’s been a game changer.
Room Boundaries: If I’m in my room, it’s my quiet time. We’ve agreed they can leave me a note or send me an emoji if it’s urgent. No more barging in mid-crisis (well, mostly).
3. The Big Boundaries
These are the tough ones. The boundaries around risky behavior or things that could have long-term consequences. Here’s what’s helped me:
Be Real with Them: I’ve shared my own screw-ups (in age-appropriate ways) to show that I get it. Home is their safe place, and I want them to know the boundaries aren’t there to ruin their fun – they’re there to protect them.
Safety Contracts: We’ve got a deal that if they’re ever stuck somewhere unsafe, they can call me no questions asked. We’ll deal with it later, when everyone’s calm. This has been a lifesaver more than once.
Understand the Sensory Side: A lot of risky behavior comes from sensory needs. Whether it’s stimming, seeking adrenaline, or dealing with anxiety, understanding what’s driving the behavior makes it easier to address.
Final Thoughts
Boundaries aren’t about control; they’re about figuring out what works for everyone. It takes time, patience, and a whole lot of trial and error. Start by tackling the stress and anxiety behind the conflicts – for you and your teen.
And remember, when they’re in sensory overload or emotionally dysregulated, their executive functioning goes out the window. Keep your expectations realistic, and work with them (not against them) to create a calmer, happier home.
Check out my sensory identifier's blog with worksheet for more information
You’ve got this. And if you need help, I’m here for you and your teen. Let’s figure it out together.
For more information on teen burnout check out my workbook here