Self Regulation, Emotions and “Hand Gestures”.
The other day during doom scrolling I came across a particularly emotionally pulling video (I’m a sucker for kid and animal videos), and instinctively my hand went to my heart. In that moment, the physical pressure was exactly what I needed to work through what I was feeling with a few tears to boot.
I have found myself using and recognising this part of my emotional regulation strategy and realised that I have used this for quite a while.
We use hand gestures as part of our communication with the big wide world more than we know, and we also teach our children how to use hand gestures as well.
Understanding this process and also how to use hand gestures as a part of our emotional regulation can be a great skill to help children (and ourselves) to self-regulate.
My own learning around this has been that I put my hand to my heart when I’m triggered in an emotional way, if someone says something nice about me (reminding me to respond in the “correct” way - brain/body connection), and when I have a gut feeling - again that brain body connection thing.
This has really helped me to pay attention to those brain body connection feelings, to not continue to ignore those gut feelings, that my body IS responding to things and paying attention to those feelings is really important to identifying what’s going on in the moment.
The things that our body does instinctively also means the things that our body does to stay comfortable and safe when we are overwhelmed or scared or unsafe.
These unconscious gestures happen not only at times of overwhelm or unsafety, but also when we are thinking/processing or simply just seeking comfort. Some common ones are things like:
Stress Responses: Rubbing the back of the neck, clenching/unclenching fists, tapping fingers.
Thinking/Processing Gestures: Touching the chin or lips, rubbing fingers together, holding the forehead.
Comfort Gestures: Playing with a piece of jewellery, smoothing down clothing, hugging or holding your hand to oneself.
Now, this is one of the many things that I’m adding to the list of things to be aware of. This is one of the skills that I help clients with, because awareness breeds awareness. As we become aware of the things about ourselves, this breeds more things that make sense.
Putting Awareness into Action
This all sounds great, but how do we actually start doing it? It starts with gentle, curious observation, not judgment.
For Ourselves: A Little Self-Discovery
Become a Hand Watcher: For just one day, be a curious observer of your own hands. What do they do when you're on a work call? How do they rest when you’re watching TV? What do they do when you're telling a story? Don’t try to change anything, just notice. You're simply gathering information.
The End-of-Day Check-in: Before you go to sleep, think of one moment in your day where you felt a strong emotion—frustration, excitement, nervousness. Then ask, "What were my hands doing?" Were they clenched? Tucked in your pockets? Waving around? This simple act starts building the bridge between the feeling in your mind and the action in your body.
For Our Kids: Becoming a Gesture Detective
I also have the joy of being around my 1-year-old granddaughter on a very regular basis, and this is reminding me so much of all of those little things that growing humans do with their little bodies to tell us what they need.
It’s been 17-odd years since my AuDHDer boy was that little, and I had forgotten all those little things that I had to figure out really quick to help him regulate. He couldn’t tell me, so I had to figure out the language that he was using to tell me how things were for him, so that we had as few meltdowns as possible.
This is true for kids of any age. Babies will reach out to their caregivers (my granddaughter also does the fist grab signal when you are not picking her up fast enough) when they need to be picked up. Kids will instinctively touch their privates when they need to go to the bathroom, or play with their mouth when they are hungry.
When we look, there will be gestures in our kids that we may or may not be aware of, that will mean something to them. We can turn this observation into an opportunity for connection.
Notice Their Baseline: During a calm, happy moment like playtime, just watch their hands. How do they move when they are concentrating? What do they do when they're relaxed? This helps you understand what's "normal" for them.
Connect the Gesture to the Feeling: When you see a gesture during a tougher moment, you can gently name it. For example, if they are clenching their fists over a tricky Lego piece, you could say softly, “It looks like your hands are working really hard on that. It can be frustrating when it doesn't fit.” This validates their feelings and teaches them to associate their body's signals with an emotion. It’s the first step to them being able to tell you how they feel, instead of just showing you through a meltdown.
Again, this is something that I teach my clients about. Having a really good picture of our children or ourselves helps when we go for assessments or just seeing professionals. All of these things give a good overall picture of what might be going on for ourselves or our kids.
Ultimately, this journey of awareness isn’t about adding another thing to your to-do list. It’s an invitation to slow down and listen to the quiet language of the body. It’s a powerful reminder that the biggest clues to our emotional worlds—and our children's—are often found in the smallest of gestures.
If this post resonates with you and you're curious about how to apply these strategies more deeply for yourself or your family, this is the work I do with my clients every day. Building this kind of awareness can feel overwhelming at first, but you don't have to do it alone. If you're ready to start decoding your own unique body language and build a more connected, regulated family life, I invite you to reach out. Visit my website to learn more about my services and how we can work together.